A.B.

"My mom told me to wear bright colors to the funeral because my grandma liked flowers.  So I showed up in a bright yellow dress and everyone was wearing black.  It felt like movie."

"I think a struggle that I’ve been through recently is someone liking me and just not knowing if I like them back. Because if someone likes me, I run. And generally people just stop chasing. I know it’s in myself, like ‘why would anyone wanna spend their whole life with me?’"

"I’m also learning about how that mentality connects with my family.  My family is very Christian, a very good family. I love them so much. But last year, I went to volunteer at a summer camp and was just going to stay for a month and then go home.  While I was there I realized, I kind of wanted to stay for the next month too.  I felt like God wanted me too.  I went to older people to ask if it was a good idea and everything seemed to check out. I think in part I knew my parents would hate the idea and sure enough I called my parents the next day. They said ‘no, you’re coming home and if you stay you’ll have consequences.’"

 

 "I later looked at a word document listing my consequences saying:

‘Here’s nine things you need to do.

Get your own phone bill and have it charged to you and you only. 

Get your own health insurance.

We’re not co-signing on any student loans for your senior year.

 If you don’t finish nursing school, you have to pay us back for all the student loans we already paid for you.

Give us the family car back or buy it from us. 

Return the house key 

Call when you want to visit etc...’" 

 

"So I just said I’m gonna do it.  I don’t know how but I will.  After that, my parents came full on saying, ‘you’re choosing to disobey God because you’re choosing to disobey us.’  So it wasn’t just consequences, it was a mental and spiritual battle. Then my position made me seem even more heartless because my grandma went downhill and passed away while I was there."

 

 "I left early to go to the graveside service but the judgmental scrutiny from my family was a lot.  My mom told me to wear bright colors to the funeral because my grandma liked flowers.  So I showed up in a bright yellow dress and everyone was wearing black.  It felt like movie.  I already felt ostracized by my family and then to have that happen.  I thought they would understand the embarrassment, but they turned it on me and said, ‘you didn’t even care about being there for your grammie, you just cared about what you looked like.’  And now I hate taking compliments because I’m afraid of being prideful."

 

"But then miracles upon miracles happened. I got given a car.  I got a student loan without a co-signer.  A pair of pants that I never wore, I found 20 bucks in the pocket and groceries showed up on my bed one day.  It was all the groceries I buy on a low budget, to the brand.  No one in my house bought it or knew where it came from.  Then my eye doctor gave me free supply of contacts because they didn’t take my new insurance."

 

"So to connect, I think that’s why I think nobody should like me. Because why would anyone want to spend their whole life with me when the people who should like me the most, just stopped. My family. They just stopped."

 

"If anything I want people to know that I still love my family.  So much.   I just struggle with bitterness in my heart.  But they are still amazing people."

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